The Daily Prophet Chronicles
by Tabithatibi
Summary: So what about those day-to-day articles, the everyday life of wizards and witches chronicled in flashes of newsprint? From Rita Skeeter's Quick-Quotes Quill to special reports on a migrating cluster of Puffskeins, these are The Daily Prophet Chronicles, as read by various characters. Please read and review! Thank you! :D All ownership rights to J.K. Rowling. I don't own anything.
1. 18th June 1998

Hello! I've wanted to write this for quite some time - the idea of just everyday life in the Wizarding a World is a lovely and exciting one, to me anyway, and I wanted to who this through various newspaper stories over the years ... Firstly, just after atheThe Battle of Hogwarts, a certain Ms. Skeeter sets her quill to the page once more ... Quite light-hearted, and hopefully it will improve as it goes along. Thank you! Please read and review!

* * *

_18th June 1998_

' '_Hero's Heartache - How Perfect Potter Wallowed for A Year in Romantic Torment_', oh this should be good,' laughed Ginny derisively, smoothing out _The Daily Prophet_ so Hermione could read the story too.

_'In this exclusive new extract from veteran author and acid-tongued reporter, Skeeter delves into the turmoil of the young heart, the agony and joy of fresh love and the jealousy which, Skeeter says, grew between two of the most important women in the young hero's life.'_

'Oh, let me guess,' said Hermione, her voice dripping with sarcasm, 'the two of us were vying for Harry's attention, throwing away years of friendship in favour of a trashy feud perfect for the papers. Am I right?'

Ginny smirked, plucking a biscuit from the plate in front of them.

'Got it in one, my most hated enemy,' she replied nonchalantly, munching the homemade ginger newt almost lazily.

The pair of them were sitting at the kitchen table of The Burrow, alone but for Crookshanks' almost constant purring as he lay curled on Hermione's lap and the sleepy, half muffled hoots of Errol, who was drooping against the window frame, his feathers rumpled and dusty. From upstairs came the muffled thumps of Ron getting up, probably disturbing Harry along the way. Outside, the rain poured, sheets of it pounding the yard and creating a metallic clatter as it pummelled the inside of the rusty old cauldron which stood by the door. Hermione took a ginger newt, biting it quickly before it started wriggling; she knew it was only a charm, but eating food that wriggled, especially food shaped like animals, still made her feel queasy occasionally.

'Go on, then,' she sighed, 'spill the details, so we know what we're facing ... '

Ginny snorted. 'Oh, more of Skeeker's old guff ..._ 'Miss Granger, a cunning and wily girl many term a 'sneaky backstabber', keen to regain Potter's bruised and damaged affections after she had previously toyed with the boy hero's feelings ... has, over the year spent with Potter in the wild, been engaged in a bitter battle of flirtatious fortitude -'_ I'm sorry, 'flirtatious fortitude'?' squawked Ginny as Hermione let out an intelligent snort of mingled amusement and disgust, 'What does that even mean?'

'It means Skeeter's having to pad out a paper-thin chapter,' retorted Hermione briskly. 'Go on. I'm dying to hear how we're about to slit each other's throats.'

'Right, where was I? ... Oh yeah, 'flirtatious fortitude', here we are: _' ... engaged in a bitter battle of flirtatious fortitude with once bosom friend Virginia Weasley -_' Virginia? VIRGINIA? My name is Ginevra! She better get that right in the final print of her trashy book, I'm telling you. Anyway.' Ginny rustled the paper crossly and continued reading, '_... a girl who, some say, is too pretty for her own good, with a long line of ex-lovers ready to expose her vicious temperament to Potter, who, my sources report, has been torn between the two young vixens and is desperately looking for a way out._

_But is the story so simple? With a bit of in-depth research, and a few well-spent Sickles at the local pub, I managed to procure exclusive information from a source close to Potter. Romilda Vane, a charming and stunningly pretty young woman -' _Right, that's it, I'm done,' exclaimed Ginny, tossing the newspaper away in disgust. 'If she's interviewing Romilda Vane about Harry, then -'

'I wouldn't be surprised if Romilda Vane never said more than a small 'hello' to Skeeter and perhaps a few vague hints that we don't deserve to crawl in Harry's oh-so-mighty footsteps,' said Hermione, glaring waspishly at the article, which was topped with a moving photograph of Rita Skeeter, who kept winking and smiling up at them, her Quick-Quotes Quill clasped in her fingers. 'I'm by no means Vane's biggest fan, but I wouldn't mind betting Skeeter took her words and amplified their meaning somewhat. I don't doubt that - ugh!'

Hermione was staring in horror at the bottom of the article.

'What?' asked Ginny, 'What is it?'

'_Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lied is set to be published on July 31st, to coincide with Potter's eighteenth birthday. The Daily Prophet is pleased to announce that Skeeter's all new in depth biography Snape: Scoundrel or Saint? is set to be released on the same day. Readers of the Daily Prophet can enjoy an exclusive sneak preview of Chapter Nine: Death Eater or Death Hater? in next Thursday's Prophet. Both the Potter and Snape biographies are available for pre-order via Owl Post.'_

'On his birthday?' Cried Ginny, aghast.

'Yep. What a lovely, tasteful tribute to all the heroes of war ... ' the derision in Hermione's voice was palpable. 'Well, I guess most people know she's an old windbag, but still ... Perhaps a short sharp shock would do her some good.'

Ginny slowly began to grin.

'What did you have in mind?'

'I was thinking ... A special delivery of Skiving Snackboxes to arrive just in time for her book release, curiously altered so that she might just develop a hideous affliction of the skin which she most certainly won't be able to cure herself of ... Completely harmless and painless, of course, but somehow not quite how she might want to appear for her big day ... Maybe a brief stay in St Mungo's would make her hold her serpent's tongue for a while ... '

Ginny grinned. 'Hermione, you are quite the genius. Evil and ruthless, but a genius nonetheless.'

Hermione raised an eyebrow with an air of mock puzzlement. 'Why Ginny,' she said, her voice quivering with suppressed laughter, 'I don't know what you're talking about. We were merely discussing sending a delightful gift to a woman who did promise not to write any more awful things about me and Harry ... '

At that moment, Harry and Ron stumbled sleepily into the room.

'What are you two t-t-talking about?' yawned Ron, as Harry eyes them suspiciously.

'Nothing,' chorused the girls in unison, stealing a quick glance at each other. Would they carry out the plan? Probably not. But the news was always so much more fun to read together.

* * *

Thank you! :) Hope you enjoyed it, and please review to let me know your thoughts! :) Next up: A cluster of Puffskeins are curiously migrating and Sirius is highly entertained.

Tabs ~


	2. 3rd October 1976

_Chapter 2 is up! Hope you like it, a rather humourous chapter in the Marader era. :)_

* * *

3rd_ October 1976_

'_Magizoologists have over the past week been puzzled by the strange actions of a group, or cluster, of highly active Puffskeins. Known and beloved to Wizarding children for their fondness for reaching their tongues inside the nostrils of sleeping humans and proceeding to consume the contents, they are not so well know for unique migration all patterns. That, says Mr Newt Scamander (author, _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them) _is because they don't have any. 'The Puffskein is an incredibly affable creature and is generally content to stay put,' said Mr Scamander, speaking exclusively to The Daily Prophet, 'It's incredibly unusual for even one to travel over great distances, but for such a large cluster to travel a distance exceeding two hundred miles is simply unheard of.'_

_And so it was, until recently. On the 27th of September, Mrs Hetty Hedgecombe of Arbroath, near Dundee, saw the large group of a Puffskeins moving purposefully across her garden. 'My Kneazle-cat cross tried to catch 'em,' said Mrs Hedgecombe, 'But they was too fast for poor old a Tiddlywinks. Ne'er seen 'im so surprised.'_

_Then, on the 2nd of October, a Mr Cuthbert Armitage of Halewood, near Liverpool, watched in astonishment as the mass of Puffskeins swarmed the local Quidditch Stadium (located some miles from the town in a remote location so as not to attract the unwanted attention of Muggles), covering the pitch in seconds. Mr Armitage reported that one Puffskein even attempted to eat the Snitch - as it was the touch of the Puffskein's tongue on the Snitch rendered the Wigtown Wanderer's - Ballycastle Bats game nullenvoid, as the Snitch's flesh memory now testified to an unprecedented Puffskein victory._

_Experts are at a loss to explain this unusual behaviour, though suggestions that a rise in Hippogriff numbers in the Arbroath area may be the cause of this most unusual situation are being seriously considered.'_

Lily Evans finished reading the article, turning to discuss it with her friends and laughing merrily at a joke someone had made.

'Prongs. Hey, earth to Prongs.' Sirius snapped his fingers in James's face. 'Wake up, dopey. Or should I say stagpy?'

Peter began to wheeze and splutter with laughter; James thumped him on the back while Sirius gave the choking boy a withering look. 'That was one of my most pathetic jokes, so stop laughing before you hyperventilate, Wormtail.'

Remus shook his head from behind his book whilst James gave him a sly grin.

'Quite the furry little problem Evans was discussing, eh, Moony?'

'So you were listening to Lily? Why am I not surprised ... 'Muttered Remus sarcastically. 'And kindly don't mention my 'furry little problem' in public.'

'Who said anything about _your _furry little problem?' asked Sirius, eyebrows raised. 'Though speaking of which, it'll be time for a run-around soon. Don't want to keep Fluffykins cooped up too long, do we?' Sirius winked conspiratorially at a bunch of First Years sitting nearby. 'His rabbit,' he explained with an air of great wisdom. 'Absolute maniac. Enough energy for a Hippogriff and the ferocity of a Chinese Fireball. Poor Remus here can't handle him. He'd have to be a wolf to cope with this beast of a bunny, I'm telling you.' Ignoring Remus's widening eyes, he continued, 'And look what he did to poor James, here! This ugly mug was once as handsome as me - well, almost. But one fateful encounter with Fluffykins and James became the horrific sight you see before you.' Sirius turned away from the petrified First Years to find Remus glaring at him and James looking vacantly up the table, no doubt stalking Lily with his eyes.

'All joking aside, though, Moony,' said Sirius in a mockingly thoughtful voice, and Remus let put a derisive snort, 'how is your furry little problem?'

Remus blinked in surprise.

'Er - fine, I guess? Why ... ?'

'I just wondered. You're not thinking of migrating, are you? I've heard Hagrid's Hippogriffs are quite territorial, you should watch out for them. And who knows, if you migrate, you could catch a Snitch ensure a victory for furry little problems everywhere. But you know, if you'd rather stay here and carry on eating our bogeys as we sleep - '

'Sirius, are you seriously comparing me to a Puffskein? I'm a nearly fully grown - bunny keeper,' Remus finished lamely, having become suddenly aware of the First Years still sitting nearby.

'Wait. You're _not _a spherical custard coloured fluff all? Could have fooled me.'

James laughed loudly and Peter began wheezing again.

'No, Sirius, I'm not,' replied Remus, before he leaned forward, a somewhat wolffish gleam in his eyes. 'I'll be happy to show you just how much I'm _not _like a Puffskein next full moon if you want .., '

Sirius grinned. 'Is that so? Well, you'll have to be prepared for - '

'_Guys. _Stop flirting, it's getting embarrassing,' broke in James loudly. Sirius and Remus jumped and glared at James.

'We were _not _flirting - at least, I wasn't,' exclaimed Sirius indignantly while Remus spluttered incoherently across from him, but James wasn't listening. He had leapt to his feet and was approaching Lily.

'Hey, Evans, want to go out with me? If you say yes I'll buy you a Puffskein.'

'OK, _now _he's getting desperate,' said Remus, shaking his head in despair. 'And I was _not _flirting.'

* * *

Yeah, so I love Sirius and Remus's friendship - and James's, once he deflated his head and became a more decent human being, so this was the result ... :P

Tabs ~


	3. 1st April 2007

_Heyyyyyyy :) Thanks to my reviewers! :) Here's chapter three, in which Ron learns Butterbeer is not for babies ..._

* * *

_1st April 2007_

_'In a new study, experts have concluded that Butterbeer can help to clean one's teeth. It is thought the magical brewing process has more consequences than the delicious creamy taste, as the results of the study showed that a stunning 57 out of 65 witches and wizards of all ages had improved dental hygiene. A Muggle 'dentist' (a Muggle teeth healer) who was interviewed (and swiftly afterwards had his memory modified) gave the following statement: 'I don't know what Butterbeer is and I don't know how I got here and I don't know why you're all carrying sticks and I want to go home.' More on page 3.'_

Ron finished reading and glanced over at Rose, who was gurgling happily whilst splashing Ron's cereal all over the table.

'Hey, Rosie, stop that,' he said, reaching over and plucking his daughter from her perch in the centre of the table. Rose stared at him with wide, wide eyes, looking very much like her mother. A moment later she gave a happy shriek and slapped Ron on the nose.

'Ouch!' Ron exclaimed and then laughed, making Rose giggle. 'You're living up to your mother, then. Never thought I'd feel sorry for Malfoy,' he said ruefully, though he was smiling. Rose, meanwhile, had lost interest and was stretching out her hand to the newspaper, her fingers churning eagerly towards it.

Ron frowned in thought as he watched his daughter. She never did like having her teeth cleaned, and Butterbeer wasn't strong ... The article even said that witches and wizards of all ages had been tested ... Ron glanced towards the stairs, knowing that Hermione would soon be coming down. She probably wouldn't approve, but what harm could it do, really?

Setting Rose down on top of the newspaper, Ron walked to the scullery, ignoring the squeaky remark of 'Greedy guts!' from the door as it swung open. When he and Hermione had bought the house, it had been fairly ordinary, old and full of surprising hidden cupboards and even a secret passage, but not magical. Soon, however, it had started to acquire the many oddities of a Wizarding household, and Ron suspected that, given a few more years, it would be as crammed with magic and mayhem as The Burrow was.

Selecting a bottle of Butterbeer from a dusty rack, Ron hurried back into the kitchen, where Rose was happily chewing on the edge of The Daily Prophet.

'Hey, Rosie, want a nice drink?' asked Ron cheerfully, uncorking the Butterbeer and pouring some into one of the bottles Ron kept to feed Rose whenever Hermione was elsewhere.

Pulling Rose towards him, he waved the bottle in front of her temptingly and she narrowed her eyes, grabbing for it and drinking greedily. Ron beamed. He was excellent at caring for Rose.

Half an hour later, Hermione entered the kitchen to find Ron half-laughing, half in despair as Rose crawled in haphazard circles on the table, her eyes drifting lazily as if she was -

'RON! Did you feed our daughter _Butterbeer_? She's not even a year old, Ron! What were you thinking?'

Ron gave a guilty start and started gabbling about the article in _The Daily Prophet_:

' - And it said - her teeth, she hates having them cleaned - so I thought - and maybe it will work, they said they tested all ages - and she's OK, look, she can still crawl - '

'Ron, she's crawling in circles and looking like she just encountered The Whomping Willow. Let me see this article.'

Ron sheepishly handed her the newspaper and kept quiet as she read it, her eyebrows raising further and further up her forehead.

'Ron, did it ever occur to you this might be a joke?'

'Erm ... No. Why? What makes you think it is?'

'Firstly, it's _completely_ illegal to use a Muggle like that. Secondly, this has absolutely no basis in fact - Butterbeer is full of sugar, among other things - and thirdly, have you noticed the date?'

' ... No ... '

'Well, maybe this will give you a clue,' said Hermione, turning the paper to face Ron and yanking it over to page three.

'You, good sir, are an April Fool,' a squeaky voice informed Ron, issuing from the pages of the _Prophet_. Hermione, a slight smile twitching the corners of her mouth, looked on as Ron stared aghast at a very merry Rose, who giggled, belched and fell face forward into Ron's cereal, spraying milk and_ Snacky Snitches_ everywhere.

* * *

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please review! :)

Tabs ~


End file.
